How are you?
Fiona Moore
Leadership Expert
I was meeting a colleague last week, we hadn’t spoken for a while and were genuinely pleased to be working together. Our conversation started with the classic question “How are you?” I responded with an equally classic “I’m good, thanks”. And then I realised that I actually wasn’t! I felt drained, completely shattered and despite having looked forward to the meeting I was actually wondering how I was going to get through the conversation.
It was an interesting realisation – how often do we just give the automated response “I’m fine” rather than talk about how we are actually feeling and equally, how often is it ok to actually talk about how we are feeling? I was lucky – I was talking to someone where it was completely ok to say – “hang on a minute, I feel shattered and I’m going to struggle to be in a good space today” but that isn’t always the case in our conversations. We were able to work from where we both were in that moment and still make progress, but do we always?
Connecting into how we feel is important – it stops us from pushing the feelings down, only to have them pop up at inappropriate moments as anger, fear, grumpy responses, neediness, withdrawal, sulks or however else you react to suppressed feelings. Allowing the space for the conversation is equally important – enabling your colleagues and friends to be heard is crucial. It is a fundamental human need – to be heard, to be listened to, to be acknowledged and recognised for who we are and where we are. The sense that someone is there for us.
Our Lockdown climate has made it even more important to connect. Many of us are feeling overwhelmed, challenged and lonely. Even the general sense of “Groundhog Day” that we all have is taking its toll and impacting on us. Many people are really busy - going from one virtual meeting to another without a break is draining. Our circumstances have made me think about how we could be opening our conversations in better ways. Ways that enable and open rather than trigger stock responses or shut down the connection.
I wonder if we need to shift the focus on what we do together in this context – I’ve been experimenting with a different question than “How are you?” – it’s only subtlety different but I am learning the significance of this subtlety. The question is “How are you feeling?”
It was Maya Angelou – the American poet and civil rights activist – who shared this famous quote:
“I’ve learnt that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
I’ve been trying it in my 1:1 coaching conversations – it is triggering very different connections and also gratitude for being listened to.
Working with Liz Barratt, Sarah Heesom and Kate Felstead – the lovely experts from Transform Applied – we’ve been using it in our programmes. And with a little bit of technical magic in the background (thanks Kate!) been able to show how paying attention to how the group feels can shift significantly over the course of a couple of hours in a programme. We ask the question:
“In one word, tell us how you are feeling this morning?”
The question causes people to stop, to think – but because it’s not a “thinky” question they have to move really quickly to how they feel, maybe even to where they are feeling this. There is a risk that some people may overthink and worry whether it is ok to be honest. Our job is to ensure that any response is OK.
At the end of the 2 hours we ask:
“In one word, tell us how you are you feeling now?”
The images below show the shift and change in the feeling. These are all groups of senior leaders who are working incredibly hard, dealing with change, managing uncertainty, motivating teams of staff, coping with government instructions that change daily or hourly. And offering support, challenge and encouragement to others.
The size of the word represents the number of times it was said. It is fascinating that “Tired” is consistently the most used word – what is this environment doing to us? But it’s also fascinating that it doesn’t feature in any of the images after 2 hours – so it is possible to create the conditions for other feelings even in a draining world. One of our delegates told us:
“I really wasn’t in the mood when I arrived this morning and wasn’t sure if I could offer anything or wanted to learn. But I have left inspired and it has done me so much good to take this time out with you today.”
These images have really shown me the significance of a simple shift in a question and how it can draw out the reality of what is going on for people. What we did with the information was important – treating it with respect, empathy and encouragement and choosing to change and amend our process to suit the needs – but that is another post! Knowing that we have genuinely impacted on how people are feeling is amazing. Of course, the positive feeling may not have lasted for a week but even if it lasted long enough to get them through the rest of the morning or the rest of the day then we have done some good work. And they may have passed on the feeling to others that they work with….
So, let me close by asking you a question:
“How are you feeling today?”
Take a moment to pause and really consider your answer. And then think about this –
“What do you need to help you move forward with that feeling?”